I have been feeling very low on internal resources these past few days. Last night I wrote about aging, rather than how miserable I was feeling, and commented to my husband later that writing can be as much an escape from sorrow at times as it can be an acknowledgment and analysis of it at others.
There doesn’t need to be a particular reason for feeling unsettled and unhappy, and I find that cause and effect can be very hard – and indeed unhelpful – to separate at times. It can become a spiral when things we would easily find solutions to if in good spirits become disproportionately depressing. Take my top two vertebrae, for example, which have managed – after less than a week free from severe pain – to slip out of position again, leaving me in constant pain, and unable to turn my head to the right. I know that whatever the underlying cause, which my Chiropractor would like me to go for expensive x-rays to try and uncover, stress, tension and long days at the computer will not be helping. Yet of course it also makes me feel less able to cope with the every day demands of life, from work to children to sleep, which all then increases stress, which increases the tension in my back and neck… And so the cycle continues. It also, of course, leaves me without the outlet of exercise, and it also doesn’t help to run out of money 5 days before pay day, so Chiropractic assistance shall have to wait on the services of the Great God Money (the fickle bastard).
There are many other things contributing to low spirits. I am not sure whether listing them will make them feel more manageable or completely overwhelming, so I am going to play it safe and refrain from doing so for now. As for mourning, my grief feels sharper and bigger on days like this, and I feel less able to confront and contain it – it slops around, poking me here and there, never letting up, making my head feel fuzzy and my eyes constantly brimming with tears I don’t seem quite able to shed.
I know I will feel better – later today, or tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day… it is not endless. But, unusually, I’m not in the mood for ‘looking on the bright side’ today, and I’m going to let myself be miserable without needing to put it all into perspective. Sometimes, it’s okay to just be down.