Feeling down on the bus to work

I have been feeling very low on internal resources these past few days. Last night I wrote about aging, rather than how miserable I was feeling, and commented to my husband later that writing can be as much an escape from sorrow at times as it can be an acknowledgment and analysis of it at others.

There doesn’t need to be a particular reason for feeling unsettled and unhappy, and I find that cause and effect can be very hard – and indeed unhelpful – to separate at times. It can become a spiral when things we would easily find solutions to if in good spirits become disproportionately depressing. Take my top two vertebrae, for example, which have managed – after less than a week free from severe pain – to slip out of position again, leaving me in constant pain, and unable to turn my head to the right. I know that whatever the underlying cause, which my Chiropractor would like me to go for expensive x-rays to try and uncover, stress, tension and long days at the computer will not be helping. Yet of course it also makes me feel less able to cope with the every day demands of life, from work to children to sleep, which all then increases stress, which increases the tension in my back and neck… And so the cycle continues. It also, of course, leaves me without the outlet of exercise, and it also doesn’t help to run out of money 5 days before pay day, so Chiropractic assistance shall have to wait on the services of the Great God Money (the fickle bastard).

There are many other things contributing to low spirits. I am not sure whether listing them will make them feel more manageable or completely overwhelming, so I am going to play it safe and refrain from doing so for now. As for mourning, my grief feels sharper and bigger on days like this, and I feel less able to confront and contain it – it slops around, poking me here and there, never letting up, making my head feel fuzzy and my eyes constantly brimming with tears I don’t seem quite able to shed.

I know I will feel better – later today, or tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day… it is not endless. But, unusually, I’m not in the mood for ‘looking on the bright side’ today, and I’m going to let myself be miserable without needing to put it all into perspective. Sometimes, it’s okay to just be down.


7 thoughts on “Feeling down on the bus to work

  1. Its very ok Laurel. I wonder sometimes how much physical pain and disability at this time is a help or a hindrance? Do I hide behind the pain of a broken leg? Has it been ‘easier’ to suffer losing Tessa because I am also distracted by discomfort? Would I have preferred to be unhurt – in that I think not, but now i would like the time and energy yo be able to wholly focus on my loss and not partially still on me. This is not the same as your sore back, and I hope you can find ways of getting re-aligned and back into a cycle of exercise and health, and living with your grief, and your joys too, without the distraction.

  2. Ah – another one of Tessa’s little life lessons springs to mind – you have to be ok with being down too. Something I personally dont find at all easy to do (or be??) – in fact something I will go to quite drastic meansures to avoid. It is all very well in theory – of course you need to accept and be ok with being in a horrible space, it is normal. And yet it feels so darned HORRIBLE – how can ANYONE be ok with it?!
    Love you my dear one

  3. Sometimes is Okay just to be down….How true! Its not just having those feelings but allowing ones self to be with those more challenging feelings. And that allowing is not judging. Nor running away. That all is transient. And for those who have more persistant pain. How to find those parts that are not in pain. For me we are mirrors of the world. And I find it hard not to at time focus just on the pain. Which is why I do not read newspapers. The only one I do read is Positive News. Not that I want to denigh that there is pain. But that I want a re balance. Who decided Negative News was the whole News anyway?! That’s what I say! What’s with this addiction to the Negative? Cos I think it stops us truly being. Truly feeling. Truly being able to be real.

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