Three Months without My Mother

Today is one of many important markers to come.

Three months to the day
Since her life slipped away.
Where have they gone?
Where have they gone?

The world carries on as always – deadlines, exhaustions, overcrowded trains. Yet I can’t find myself in it.

I feel brittle and frail
My hands shaky and pale
I’ve withdrawn from the world
And become inward curled
Where have I gone?
Where have I gone?

I seem to have lost touch with my emotions, and my grief, and drifted further away than ever before into a state of cold emptiness.

I have been able to concentrate on work for the first time, which is a relief with important deadlines looming – but the cost is too high. As my conscious ceases to actively process my grief, my subconscious takes up the task: I am haunted by nightmares and gruesome visions. My body has lost its rhythms. My stress levels are soaring. I am short-tempered.

I am aware that I cannot live forever in heightened awareness of death, and the subsequent bright colours of life lived to the full, but I cannot exist in this grey state of non-being either. I am surviving, which perhaps this week and next is what I need to get through, but is no way to live. It sucks the meaning out of everything; it pulls the colours out of the evening sky and leaves behind not darkness, but pale shades of irrelevance.

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4 thoughts on “Three Months without My Mother

  1. Three weeks without our Tessa feels like forever and it feels like no time at all. You will remember that poem “The Time of Afterwards, Will be no one’s time, Will be no time at all”.

    Three months and for the first time this week I too have been managing to do some real work with some real concentration. . Three months and I wonder how it is possible to love someone who is not even there, more than ever – and yet know that I am moving on too. Three months and finding that our bonds of family feel stronger and stronger with each passing day. She left that behind, amongst so much more.

  2. My 3 months came a few days earlier and I was thinking of you as yours came around, wishing I was a little closer, that I could call. For me there where tear showers all day which were embarrassing, awkward… But I am telling myself that my emotions deliver what I need or at least what I can bear. Maybe your numbness is needed right now. The brightness will come back. You are often in my thoughts x

  3. Is there anything more painful than grief? I don’t think there is. I can only send you kind thoughts, which I know are of little help at times when just getting through the day can be so enormously difficult.

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