There are occasional, almost unbearable moments in which I feel gripped by every instant of sorrow in my life rolled into one enormous, crushing entity of hopelessness. They hit with no prior warning, and at the most inconvenient times. I express emotion through my stomach, which is clenched so tight I can barely move. Every loss, regret, heart-break, unfulfilled desire or pain I have inflicted on others suddenly pours its hurt over me afresh, compounded now by the simultaneous awareness of them all alongside each other. Layer upon layer, I realise that so many have left raw cuts, bleeding still. I dreamt of blood last night – rivers, oceans, a world splashed red, carrying me away.
The blue autumn sky is broken by wisps and rills of soft, pure-white cloud; the air is crisp and fresh. This time of year has become the most sorrowful for me, despite its magical beauty.