Friday Sorrow

It comes without warning sometimes, the intensity of missing my mother – and today it has swept in with the wind and the rain, leaving me feeling raw and exposed.

I still find that the various losses in my life – whether in the distant past, those that are still fresh, or even those that are merely impending – are emotionally intertwined in unpredictable and complex ways. Sometimes the triggers are obvious; at others subtle enough to leave me grasping for answers, muddling cause and effect.

In eight weeks, after seven and a half years in London, we will move back home to South Africa. This is mostly a very exciting event that we are eagerly looking forward to – to be close to our families, to have a morning view over a lush green valley rather than endless streets and houses, and even a sweet Saint Bernard puppy named Sparky waiting to charm us.

What I really want right now, however, is my mother: at the end of an email or Skype video chat, to get excited with me, to give me sensible packing advice, to help us find solutions to the remaining problems we haven’t yet solved, to understand that leaving behind this wonderful city and all the friends we have made here has its own sadness, and most of all my mother waiting for me in Cape Town, so we could spend another Christmas together at last.

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4 thoughts on “Friday Sorrow

  1. So very sorry that today is rather a sad one for you, Laurel. Perhaps that is just where your spirit needed to be, which is why the weather is reflecting it, and your words so simply but emotively flowed out to share it … because grief is a thing that touches us all, in many different scenarios and ways that our personalities, hearts, and souls experience and process it. There is a common thread of physical loss, of course. Even when there is physical separation a lot of the time, there are so many reminders that the loved one is no longer in the earthly world, if sometimes ‘just’ in our needs and thoughts of them. Perhaps what we have lost of them offers more of what they meant and always will mean to us. I think, in the place where spirits live on, they are as sad and joyful as we are over that.

    Your impending move back to South Africa got me thinking that for your virtual friends you will be as far away and AS CLOSE as ever. Even as you share the move and the ‘morning view over a lush green valley rather than endless streets and houses’, It really won’t change where – and how -we find you. Even though I would love to ‘really’ meet you, share a cup of tea, and so much else, I think it is also a blessing to make connections like this, for the truth of who we are, almost like in a prayer when we whisper, as it seems, to thin air, but feel the power of connection and how miraculous that it dismisses time and space.

    And that ‘sweet Saint Bernard puppy named Sparky’ is going to help you heal immensely – I do not doubt! Love always, Diane XO

  2. I understand how you feel. There are times when I long to pick up the phone and hear my mom’s voice. The advice I tried so hard not to take years ago I would give anything to have now. Just to be able to ask my mom “what should I do” would be a gift. Funny, even though my mom has been gone for almosr 4 years, i still talk to her and ask her advice. hoping that somehow she will give it to me. Sometimes we know the triggers to our pain and other times it seems to come out of the blue. I hope things get easier for you and I wish you all the best with your move. Take care.

  3. What a big time of transition for you. I’m glad you’re able to take some time to feel your feelings before life becomes too busy with the move. Sending warm thoughts your way

  4. You have a way of expressing yourself which always moves me. Your love for your mother is a constant tribute to you and her. As for South Africa. I didn’t even know you were from there so you learn something every day. Hope you keep Blogging from there by the way. Your one of my favourite Bloggers

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