Wow, what can I say, it’s GREAT to be back in Blog-land! My inbox was cluttered today with likes, new followers and comments, and I realised that I had once again focused purely on my internal process of writing therapy, and had forgotten the buzz that comes along with a new post. Thank you to all those who took the time to like, comment, email or facebook me – you’re all amazing! I am always touched by the words of support, understanding or gratitude that so often follow when I open my heart to the world. One new colleague, who has been becoming a friend, and who lost her own mother as a teenager, touched my heart by writing, ‘It’s quite inspiring ‘cause I’ve always kept that stuff very quiet and personal…it’s really awesome to read you speaking about it so openly and frankly!’ My response was, ‘I find it fascinating how differently we all deal with grief. For some of my family it is intensely personal, private and silent. I was amazed that for me somehow I wanted to open up and share – and that it has helped me heal, and helped others too, by giving words to emotions they have felt but been unable or unwilling to express.’ Blogging has been such a vital part of that experience for me, and I am so grateful that this incredible tool is still here, waiting for me to be ready to take it up and make use of it again.
This evening I find myself full of plans for the challenging month ahead, feeling strong and positive. To my surprise I am moving towards being pleased that having all the emotionally difficult dates related to my mother’s death (bar Christmas) close together provides me with the opportunity to focus on the emotions around loss again properly, let them grow in intensity again, then let them ease once more. I am going to turn negatives into positives: I am going to paint again, and write, and let out everything I have been bottling up and mostly not thinking about for the past 11 months, whilst dealing with ill-health, injury, moving countries – leaving many loved ones behind – and jobs, and I am going to take another important step forward in the healing process.
I am of course aware that some days are going to be tough, but I am accepting of that – pain is an important part of the journey, and I need to embrace it again to move through it. It reminds me of something I wrote in a previous blog post about pain: “My mother had a remarkable attitude to pain. She was with me through both of my labours, and she would remind me that the pain of childbirth was pain with a purpose – it was achieving something, and should be accepted and worked with, rather than avoided, or become something to be afraid of. Through contraction after contraction, she held my hand and helped me ride the waves of pain, and use each contraction to bring my children closer to being born. She was so steadfast and thoughtful and brave.” This attitude to pain has helped me through many things in life, include her death itself, and continues to do so.
My heart is soaring with creativity energy again – my most powerful tool in dealing with grief. It reminds me of two lines from a poem I wrote many years ago:
“And so creativity is bred –
Comes it not from need?”